It seems like it’s a bit cliche to write about breaking up with someone, however I’m just going to do it anyway. It’s not like I’m whining to anyone except myself anyway.
I haven’t been screwed over by a lot of women, but I’ve “love and lost” enough times that it’s left perhaps a bit jaded to the whole relationship thing. Maybe jaded is the wrong word, I just feel rather hesitant towards it all. I can still flirt with the best of them, but that’s all instinct. Heck, I flirt even now without being able to feel the slightest bit of want for any woman that should happen to pass me. I can’t help it, I’m just that sadly entrenched in my actions.
Anyway, the point is that I’m very hesitant about the prospect of marriage, especially when it involves elements that I’m opposed to which ultimately shouldn’t matter that much. For instance, this girl wanted to continue to live in Canada, which is where I would realistically been required to live had we been married. Did I mention she lives in Canada? Yeah. I’m also very much a physical contact kind of person, so a long distance relationship is pretty difficult for me. I also don’t like traveling, so across town is a long distance relationship in my book. Canada is like crossing the Andes crab style on my back. On a path covered in broken glass. With small children throwing grapes at me. I also don’t like talking on the phone. I haven’t liked having to do it since I was around 18 doing my first job in phone support.
It was a huge step to even decide to put effort into giving at least a little try, let alone taking it up a few steps. But, she really seemed to like me, and I liked her. A lot. I would go so far as to say that we connected on a certain level, and I told her a lot of things I’ve never told anyone. I honestly believe that her life changed for the better from what we talked about, and she made changes in her life for the better that who knows if she ever would have made without my encouragement.
Make no mistake, I have sensitivity of a block of granite, and the words which manage to eject themselves from my mouth is sporadic masses are unintentionally crushing as often as they cause laughter. I intend none of it, not that it would matter, as no process I’ve ever imagined involving people has ever played out along any path I’ve seen. I mostly just want to laugh. But very rarely I connect with people, things happen, and they change; and I firmly believe there was some great net positive in both our lives when our time was spent together. Don’t tell me I’m naive, I already know that.
She, herself, was really encouraging with the whole idea of getting married, saying that it could happen at such and such a time. It took me a long time and a lot of thinking, but I finally made peace in my mind with moving and getting married. I set in my mind how amazing it would be to be married to this woman, and whatever silly concerns I had about sacrifices meant nothing to me now. I am ready to get married now, but she is still not 100% certain and wants to wait until she is before making that crucial step forward.
After about eight months after meeting in person for the first time and deciding that we really needed to give this relationship a shot, she tells me on the phone that we should break up. The excuse I hear is that she just can’t make up her mind, so we should spend some time apart and see how we feel afterwards. Yep, I’m floored. I mean, what the heck? You aren’t sure if you want to get married, but you love me tons, so lets stop dating for a while? Yep, makes tons of sense. Oh, and you still want to be friends and talk all the time? What in the world is the difference between dating and being friends if you live thousands of miles apart and talk on the phone? Whatever. Honestly, I’m pretty broken up, but I’m willing to try this with the hope that maybe she will decide that she just can’t stand being apart from me… or something. I usually have a strict policy of not dating people that I’ve already broken up with, but I figure this isn’t breaking up, we’re just taking a break. Besides, I’m desperate not to lose the love that is quickly slipping through my fingers like water. (Fine sand would have been a cinch compared to this.)
She said, “If I had to decide right now if we’re getting married, I would have to say no.” But then she went on to comment how that might not be the case after some more time to think.
About four weeks pass of talking once per week on the phone for a few hours. I still love her and think of her through much of every day. I’ve had to work a lot recently, which has been great for keeping my mind off the fact that I could very possibly lose the biggest dream I’ve ever had. (And interesting note: I rewrote part of that sentence four times, and each time I accidentally spelled “lose” as “loser”, a word I never write. I’m pretty sure my subconcious hates me.) Really, I’m pretty grateful for work. And somehow, I still manage to stumble on something that feels right to send her as a Christmas gift. Pretty much everyone thinks my gifts suck, but for some reason I still will occasionally see or think of something down to my very core is the gift for them and I get it for them.
Anyway, four weeks pass, and my frustrations must have slipped through my exhaustion at three in the morning before work because I make the comment about how she didn’t decide if we should get married. Instead she couldn’t decide so broke up instead. She contested that this wasn’t the case and that breaking up was a decision. Right. Then she tells me, and I forget the details which are lost in a haze of sleepiness, that we aren’t going to get back together as if it’s something that I’d known all along. That sobered me up. It’d come up in conversation several times that I still very much hoped to be with her some day, so my feelings aren’t exactly a secret. She says that she thought she was clear in be beginning, and maybe she was and I was too thick headed to get it, but maybe when I’m talking about getting married she could drop some sort of comment about not getting my hopes up?
She said, “If I had to decide right now if I thought we would ever date again, I would say probably not.” But then she went on to say that maybe that could change in time.
Okay, what the hell? Are you trying to play mind games with me? You don’t dump someone and then throw out little hopeful comments that maybe someday, if the planets line up perfectly strait, I’ve been a good boy, and a perfectly sequential series of numbers are picked in the New Zealand lottery, we will date again. “Probably not” to me means that it’s over; that continuing to hold out will not only be fruitless, but will likely result in one more attempting to catch imaginary fireflies in a padded room reserved for those special few whose perception of reality is so far removed from the rest of the world’s that locking them away is easier than rewriting psychology textbooks. Why would you ever be so cruel as to try and suggest hope to someone in that position?
I am left feeling rather confused about what I’m feeling, if that even makes sense. I keep getting washed over with a despair that threatens sweep me away and dash me into rocks. And yet at the same time there is this anger that fluctuates inside of me at… something. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is something I’m angry at. I never really get angry so I might just be confused, or I might be angry that I’ve lost almost a year of precious time in a relationship that ended when it felt most hopeful. Or angry at feeling like I’ve been led to believe there was hope when there was none, losing even more time in a baseless hope. Who knows.
And yet I would still happily roll over and wipe her feet clean with my tears if she motioned with the end of her finger for me to return. I am not a free man.